What Communication in Relationships Really Is (And Why It’s More Than Just Words)

When people think about communication in relationships, they usually think about talking.

Talking things through. Explaining clearly. Finding the right words.

But communication is far more than verbal exchange. In fact, most relational communication happens without words at all.

Understanding communication in its full sense, verbal and non-verbal, can be one of the most powerful shifts a couple makes toward deeper connection, emotional safety, and trust.

What Is Communication, Really?

At its core, communication is not about speaking — it’s about being understood.

Communication includes:

• What is said

• How it is said

• What is not said

• What is shown through tone, posture, facial expression, timing, and presence

In relationships, partners are always communicating, even in silence.

A sigh, crossed arms, lack of eye contact, scrolling a phone, turning away, or responding too quickly can communicate far more than words ever could.

Verbal Communication: The Words We Use

Verbal communication isnt just speaking, it includes:

• the language we use

• the words we choose

• our volume

• the speed at which we speak

• the timing

Problems arise when verbal communication becomes:

• Defensive

• Blaming

• Over-explaining

• Minimising

• Solution-focused too early

Even well-intended words can land badly if emotional needs aren’t first acknowledged.

Non-Verbal Communication: The Messages Beneath the Words

Non-verbal communication makes up a significant portion of how meaning is conveyed in relationships.

This includes:

• Tone of voice

• Facial expressions

• Eye contact (or lack of it)

• Body posture and orientation

• Physical distance or closeness

• Touch or withdrawal

• Timing of responses

For example:

• Saying “I’m listening” while looking at a phone communicates disinterest.

• Saying “I’m fine” with a tense jaw and turned body communicates distress.

• Silence can communicate safety or emotional withdrawal depending on context.

Couples often argue about words, when the real rupture happens at the non-verbal level.

Why Non-Verbal Communication Matters So Much

Humans are wired to detect safety and threat through non-verbal cues.

Before we consciously process words, our nervous system asks:

• Am I safe here?

• Am I being received?

• Am I about to be blamed, dismissed, or rejected?

If the body senses threat, communication shuts down, even if the words are calm.

This is why couples can say “the right things” and still feel disconnected.

When relationships are under ongoing stress and relationship strain, communication often becomes reactive rather than intentional. Tone sharpens, body language closes, and even neutral conversations can feel emotionally loaded.

What Does It Mean to Be a Good Communicator?

Being a good communicator does not mean:

• Always saying things perfectly

• Being calm all the time

• Never needing repair

A good communicator is someone who:

• Is aware of their impact, not just their intent

• Notices emotional shifts in themselves and their partner

• Can pause rather than escalate

• Is willing to repair when communication breaks down

• Communicates presence, not just information

Good communication is relational, not performative.

The Role of Emotional Regulation in Communication

One of the most overlooked aspects of communication is self-regulation.

When emotions are high:

• Listening decreases

• Defensiveness increases

• Non-verbal cues become sharper

• Misinterpretation is more likely

Learning to regulate your nervous system like how to slow your breath, softening your posture, or lowering tone, is a communication skill in itself.

Couples counselling often focuses here first, because regulated people communicate more effectively.

How to Practise Better Communication (Verbal & Non-Verbal)

1. Communicate Presence Before Content

Before responding, ask:

“Am I showing that I’m here?”

This may look like:

• Turning toward your partner

• Making eye contact

• Slowing your response

• Acknowledging emotion first

Example:

“I can see this really matters to you.”

2. Match Tone to Intention

If your intention is care, curiosity, or connection, your tone needs to match.

A caring message delivered with sharp tone or rushed energy will not feel safe.

3. Notice Your Body Language

Ask yourself:

• Am I leaning away or toward?

• Are my arms crossed?

• Is my body tense or open?

Small shifts in posture can dramatically change how safe a conversation feels.

4. Listen for Meaning, Not Just Words

Instead of responding to facts, listen for:

• Emotional needs

• Underlying fears

• Requests for reassurance or closeness

Often, conflict is a bid for connection expressed imperfectly.

5. Practise Repair

Healthy communicators don’t avoid rupture, they look to repair it.

Repair can sound like:

• “That came out wrong.”

• “I can see I shut down.”

• “Can we try that again?”

It builds trust more than perfection ever could.

How Relationship Counselling Supports Communication

In counselling, couples learn to:

• Understand their communication patterns

• Recognise non-verbal signals

• Slow interactions down

• Create emotional safety

• Practise new skills with support

For many couples, this is the first time communication feels structured, safe, and genuinely connecting.

Final Thoughts

Communication isn’t just about talking — it’s about how two nervous systems meet.

When couples learn to communicate verbally and non-verbally with awareness, presence, and care, conversations soften, misunderstandings reduce, and connection deepens.

Communication is not about winning it’s about staying connected.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is non-verbal communication really that important?

Yes. Non-verbal cues often determine whether words feel safe, threatening, or dismissive. It is important in all types of relationships, not just

Can communication improve even if we’ve been stuck for years?

Absolutely. Communication skills can be learned and practised at any stage of a relationship.

What if one partner communicates more than the other?

Different styles are common. Counselling helps couples understand and bridge these differences without blame.

When should couples seek help with communication?

If conversations regularly escalate, shut down, or feel emotionally unsafe, support can help sooner rather than later.

Kimberly Freeman, BA Psychology, Dip Counselling, Registered Counsellor is the founder of Shifting Perspective Counselling, based on the Sunshine Coast, Australia. She offers compassionate, client-centred support for those navigating grief, loss, and life transitions both in person and online.